How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
