2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
