when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
