Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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