im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Randomize
