4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
