I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
