i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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