3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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