i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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