You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
