That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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