"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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