I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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