she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
