You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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