Little spoons don't ask big questions
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
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