I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
