First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
