I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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