She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
