remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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