she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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