Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You need Xanax blowdarts
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
