As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
