This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
