Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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