He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
