I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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