I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
