I'll bet she douches with gravy.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
