If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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