its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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