My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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