I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
