At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
