she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
The beer is more important than you right now.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
