I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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