My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
