youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
