Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
