We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
