Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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