i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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