I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
