just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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