watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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