My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
