apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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