Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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