Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
