I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
