Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
